any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.