My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I have a type: disappointing
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
🤣dope
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
my father died in a conga line and so shall i