Well. That’s not a good sign.
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.