I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
me, after any kind of buffet.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.