Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: