I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Stop sending me this shit.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,