Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Tremendous stuff
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me sliding into hell like
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time