A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
HR said no more nunchucks.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?