The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
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u spoke cat all this time??????
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol