Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
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a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-