I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
You Might Also Like
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
choose your gary
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow