My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Simple enough.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.