“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?