“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
.. do you even science?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening