i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Imma just leave this here…………
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME