Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
mood
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti