[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
You Might Also Like
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I hope Alan is OK
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.