I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.