Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*