“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.