I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.