Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Bros before Ohioes
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes