Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I hope they boil the right one.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene