Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
translated into Canadian
Is this a threat?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.