Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.