I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
A short story of betrayal:
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
What if the weather talks about us?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.