[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Note to self: I am a note
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.