One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!