If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
decorating my apartment
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
How did we not see this back then?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Somebody’s lying.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!