A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
You Might Also Like
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
#FunnyLife Insects
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.