given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
You Might Also Like
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”