will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
*gets down on one knee*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese