Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.