My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Snapes on a plane.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.