her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You Might Also Like
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”