Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
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“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
the battle rages on
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀