Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You Might Also Like
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I wanna be friends with this person
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”