I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway