Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.