I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
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You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”