My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
You Might Also Like
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved