Air pods looking like an angry frog
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Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
BRO LMFAO
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
this is me
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
plums roundup
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag