Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.