Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.