GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
And then there were 4
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.