The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I have a black belt in leather
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I have a type: disappointing
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’