FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.