Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?