Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
me and my fake scenarios
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
called in thicc to work this morning
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”