13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.